It was a terrifying experience .

Life's getting hard , not feeling that good recently . But it still feels good that someone is there for me despite everything that happened . I do not blame anyone for the mental breakdown that happened to me , i just got sick and tired of bottling up everything and laughing all those hurtful comments off like they don't have any effect on me . But they do , i just don't show it out , i just don't want to let people know that i am angry/sad . I'm actually amazed i can hold everything for so long , but i reallyreally hate it when i cry . It just shows that i'm weak , shows that i can't take up challenges and it shows that i'm easily beaten .
But it sucks yknw , when someone jokes till it gets too overboard , and then you realized you have no one that can stand up for you . So in the end , you throw tantrums and your tears are going to flow out any moment but you stopped them just on time . And you hold there for half a day , you go straight to shower once you reached home and all those tears of indignation flows out . YOU WILL FEEL SO ALONE , SO HELPLESS , SO USELESS and that feeling just kills you . It's like a knife stabbing straight into your heart , you hear all the voices in your mind , the flashbacks won't leave your mind . You got so confused between the voices and the splashing of the water on your body . You thought you will feel better after that , but you went to the toilet again , sit on the toilet bowl and cry all over again . I finally know how it really feels like to have a major mental breakdown after two fucking years . Yes , TWO YEARS . Then , you walked out of the toilet like nothing just happened and life goes on . The next day , you will still feel the terrible feeling you experienced , it won't seem to go away . You went out and you see all the fake smiles and you just feel like going home and hide at one corner until you think that everything is alright . You have no idea how the next day is going to be , but you just feel so outcasted by the crowd , the crowd that you once belong to , just because you finally let it all out , just because ... you think that they don't know how you felt . But you cant help but think and think and think . Your mind won't stop at all , it works all day long , all night long . You see your friends hanging out together , but you keep on thinking that they are bad mouthing about you because you had a mental breakdown . Why does it still hurts so much after you cry ? Aren't you suppose to feel better after crying ? ...
Why do i suck so much ? Why can't i just laugh everything off again ? Why can't i just act as if nothing happened , afterall , i did it for two years alr , din i ? Why can't i stop thinking ? Why did this even happened to me ?
Sorry , it might looks like i'm making a big deal out of a small things . But small things do accumulate to big things . Please understand .

Don't stop , keep it moving , put your drinks up !

HELLO ! :D
Sorry for the lack of updates , Hehehehe . Was really busy with stuffs recently , outings homeworks and proposal ): But i still can't finish my homework and school is starting . Pfft , forget it . HAHAHA :D Had class outing , a half-class outing on Thursday and it was jiajing birthday ! :) So we bought a mini cake for him , and sang birthday song at safra , but it was kind of fail coz we couldnt light up the candle . (: But hope that he had fun !

HAPPYBIRTHDAY JIAJING !

Moving on , i went to gagaflea with qianyu and hweesi yesterday :) it is a blogshop flea that is held around bukit pangjang , located in the flat . Was kind of weird , cause i expected more !! but bought a dress and we went cck aftwards and bought a top there ! Love going shopping with qianyu , LMFAO . she always gives good advices !! :) OHYESS , we took a picture with the model of TBS , a blogshop (: ! Hehehe , had fun ytd !

Went ahchan house today with sandra and we decided to bake , turns out okay . Better than the last time , but it is kind of oily \: . ITS OKAY , HAHAHAHA . :D next time will be better ! and sandra gave me a christmas present , thanks so much <3
Going jingyee house tml , YAY :D another rotting session !!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE !

in another life , i will make you stay .

Shall dedicate this post to my beloved sec1s - Robyn , Wenyu , Akasyah and Wenyu .
I has been around half a year since i took up the responsibility of being a PL , and i'm glad and proud of the 4 of them . They have shown me what they are during this EOY camp and i'm proud that they finally speak up , show more initiative and shine in guides after my endless naggings at them during normal trainings . Yes , i have to admit that they are not the few that has alotalot of potential . But their improvements made me realise that i had made a change in their lives , that i'm not useless at all . They keep me going at my worst times ( including lining and hazel ) because i don't want them to be demoralized due to my lousy spirit . I remember pushing this patrol at the beginning in achieving the best patrol , but i realize it's tiring and we're not enjoying it at all . I then send them this very long msg , explained to them that what's most impt is that they learnt and have fun and not being the best patrol . Wenyu has made me so proud during this camp , she was the one encouraging me instead of me encouraging her . She for once , showed initiative and pushed her camp patrol ;) . Isn't that a great improvement ? As for robyn , she gained alot more confidence and dared to speak up . She has a fucking nice voice i swear !!!! Akasyah , still quite reserved but she can talk very loudly can ! :) Priscilla , she dared to speak in front of the whole company now already . OHMY , im so proud of them !! probably you all are thinking im just some naive person who gives a shit about SPEAKING UP . But i've walked with them through this path and THEY'VE GROWN CAN T_T was thinking bout it while untying knots ytd .
It has never been a easy thing to be a PL , and i've never regretted being one though . My tear was worth it ! HAHAHA , did not expect myself to be at all can ): i might not be the best , but at least i've tried . (;
All the best to them , xoxo .