It was a terrifying experience .

Life's getting hard , not feeling that good recently . But it still feels good that someone is there for me despite everything that happened . I do not blame anyone for the mental breakdown that happened to me , i just got sick and tired of bottling up everything and laughing all those hurtful comments off like they don't have any effect on me . But they do , i just don't show it out , i just don't want to let people know that i am angry/sad . I'm actually amazed i can hold everything for so long , but i reallyreally hate it when i cry . It just shows that i'm weak , shows that i can't take up challenges and it shows that i'm easily beaten .
But it sucks yknw , when someone jokes till it gets too overboard , and then you realized you have no one that can stand up for you . So in the end , you throw tantrums and your tears are going to flow out any moment but you stopped them just on time . And you hold there for half a day , you go straight to shower once you reached home and all those tears of indignation flows out . YOU WILL FEEL SO ALONE , SO HELPLESS , SO USELESS and that feeling just kills you . It's like a knife stabbing straight into your heart , you hear all the voices in your mind , the flashbacks won't leave your mind . You got so confused between the voices and the splashing of the water on your body . You thought you will feel better after that , but you went to the toilet again , sit on the toilet bowl and cry all over again . I finally know how it really feels like to have a major mental breakdown after two fucking years . Yes , TWO YEARS . Then , you walked out of the toilet like nothing just happened and life goes on . The next day , you will still feel the terrible feeling you experienced , it won't seem to go away . You went out and you see all the fake smiles and you just feel like going home and hide at one corner until you think that everything is alright . You have no idea how the next day is going to be , but you just feel so outcasted by the crowd , the crowd that you once belong to , just because you finally let it all out , just because ... you think that they don't know how you felt . But you cant help but think and think and think . Your mind won't stop at all , it works all day long , all night long . You see your friends hanging out together , but you keep on thinking that they are bad mouthing about you because you had a mental breakdown . Why does it still hurts so much after you cry ? Aren't you suppose to feel better after crying ? ...
Why do i suck so much ? Why can't i just laugh everything off again ? Why can't i just act as if nothing happened , afterall , i did it for two years alr , din i ? Why can't i stop thinking ? Why did this even happened to me ?
Sorry , it might looks like i'm making a big deal out of a small things . But small things do accumulate to big things . Please understand .